Anthropologist Margaret Mead said, “Monogamy is the hardest
of all human marital arrangements. It is also one of the rarest.”
I believe monogamy is rare because the fact is human beings are
not naturally monogamous. Most human beings, by their biological
nature—men and women alike—have a desire for a variety of sexual
experiences. Sexual variety is stimulating, exciting and renewing. We
love the tingle of excitement that a new sexual adventure gives us.
Why wouldn’t we want to enjoy it?
Our culture, our religions, the media, and our families choose to
ignore the fact that human beings are not naturally monogamous.
The American culture has successfully brainwashed us into believing
that having sexual desire for more than one person is bad and wrong.
They condemn our natural human desire (God-given, if you will) for a
variety of sexual experiences and try to convince us that we should be
able to fulfill every one of our sexual needs, wants and desires forever
and ever, with only one person—a belief so unrealistic it borders on
the ludicrous.
I believe most people, if they were completely honest, would love to
be in a committed relationship but have other sexually stimulating
experiences, too. So where do we realistically draw the line between
monogamy and non-monogamy. Each one of us might draw it
differently. Where is it for you?
Exactly what constitutes non-monogamy?
If you’re in a committed relationship, are you being non-monogamous
if you:
• Flirt with other men/women?
• Share a passionate kiss with another man/woman?
• Masturbate without your mate?
• Watch pornography without your mate?
• Get a lap dance from a stripper?
• Get a secret blow-job?
• Or, is it just having sexual intercourse with someone other than your mate?
Please vote. Tell me your definition of non-monogamy.
I think that this is a very important conversation to have -- and that most people assume that being in a committed relationship means monogamy. This assumption makes it difficult if not impossible for a couple to engage in meaningful and honest dialogue about their feelings/fears/hopes about their particular relationship. I think that honesty about this issue is one of the greatest challenges to real intimacy between partners. I also think that each partner's willingness to be vulnerable and truly honest also means that each partner must face the balancing act of being true to themselves and avoiding hurting their partner. Another challenge that is more difficult to resolve is if one partner ends up in an emotional relationship with someone else and then has to determine where that leads. What you are talking about is very circumscribed sexual encounters--life can get more complicated. And everyone's boundaries will be different. But putting the issue out there is important. I do think that the most rewarding relationships are those where the partners can go down the path of truth and trust together.
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