One of the most distorted notions we bring to our love relationships is the perception that whatever our loved one does is because of us. Nowhere is this more pervasive than when it comes to our mate’s desire to experience something sexually that does not include us. Most of us cry out in anguish “How could you do this to me?”
Yet, when my wife and I first met, we admitted to one another that we had never been monogamous in any of our previous relationships nor had we ever been truthful about it with our previous lovers. Why did we feel a need to hide our true sexuality from our previous partners? Because we have been systematically and successfully shamed into believing that any expression of our sexuality that does not include our mates is always bad and wrong, and, as a corollary, into believing that we should feel hurt when our mates have non-monogamous desires.
Most married men lie about how they really experience their sexuality then routinely set up a secret compartment within their lives where they hide what they do. In Lust in Translation: A Study of Infidelity from Tokyo to Tennessee, Pamela Druckerman concluded,“In America it’s not the cheating, it’s the lying.” I am convinced that the success of our marriage is due in large part to our being radically honest with each other about who we are sexually. Unfortunately, odds are, this was probably a rare meeting of the minds. Let’s face it, our culture does not encourage couples to be open and honest about their non-monogamous sexual desires, but it’s the lying this attitude encourages that causes the real damage.
My wife and I felt we had to hide our desires from our previous partners for fear of hurting them, yet consider what Don Miguel Ruiz said in The Four Agreements: He wrote, “Taking things personally is the maximum expression of self centeredness because it makes the assumption that everything is about ‘me’. Nothing other people do is because of you. It’s because of themselves.”
How many of us can actually give up holding others accountable for how we feel? It’s so much easier to lash out at someone instead of focusing on our own insecurities as the source of our pain. What’s more, we live in a culture where, lately, hardly anyone is willing to look at themselves for the real answers as to why they feel the way they do. We never answer the question “Why does it hurt so much when someone we love wants to be sexual with someone else?” because we’re too scared of asking any questions that might point a finger at ourselves. Will we ever find the courage to hold ourselves accountable for what we feel? If we don’t, we will never give ourselves the chance to heal the insecurities that drive our responses, and they will continue to wreak their unabated havoc on all of our relationships.
I think that maybe what makes this kind of honesty so difficult is that even if not all the time--most of the time--sex is not just sex. It's complicated. And the energy shared with others often does mean it's taking away (not adding) to the relationship (though that is not always the case). Honesty is hard--but I agree that it is the key to real intimacy and closeness in a relationship. After all--if you can't be who you really are--if you have to hide an important part of yourself from your partner--then there are gaps in the relationship. And if we can't reveal ourselves to our partners--if we don't feel safe doing that--then the relationship can never really get that close after all.
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