Who holds whose self-esteem?

Do men rely more on women as a source of their self-esteem than women rely on men for theirs?

Last week, I was a guest on the Striker Corbin Motivational Program. Striker is a motivational speaker who focuses on helping you create the life you desire by using your thoughts and emotions. He offers a weekly “Empowerment Quote” and this week’s quote was Eleanor Roosevelt who said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

We agreed that both genders often look to their mates to uphold their self-esteem. But I believe men are much more dependent on women as a source of their self-esteem than women are dependent on men for theirs because men are much more externally driven by how they are perceived by others, particularly women. As I say in my book, “many of the ways heterosexual men act, think, and behave are influenced by their desire to gain or retain access to a woman’s love, access to her approval, and access to her body. So while men can go it alone to find food, shelter, and clothing, they have to rely on women to fulfill their other basic needs. Additionally, when men are young boys, they are taught to cut themselves off from how they really feel. Consequently, men are disconnected from their inner-selves as a source of their truth. Throughout their lives, men rely on women (their mothers, teachers, and girlfriends) to tell them what is true about them.

What do you think?

Hear me live tomorrow

Listen to my live interview Wed. (9/29) at 1pm EDT with Striker Corbin. www.blogtalkradio.com/strikercorbin

What is non-monogamy?

Anthropologist Margaret Mead said, “Monogamy is the hardest
of all human marital arrangements. It is also one of the rarest.”

I believe monogamy is rare because the fact is human beings are
not naturally monogamous. Most human beings, by their biological
nature—men and women alike—have a desire for a variety of sexual
experiences. Sexual variety is stimulating, exciting and renewing. We
love the tingle of excitement that a new sexual adventure gives us.
Why wouldn’t we want to enjoy it?

Our culture, our religions, the media, and our families choose to
ignore the fact that human beings are not naturally monogamous.
The American culture has successfully brainwashed us into believing
that having sexual desire for more than one person is bad and wrong.
They condemn our natural human desire (God-given, if you will) for a
variety of sexual experiences and try to convince us that we should be
able to fulfill every one of our sexual needs, wants and desires forever
and ever, with only one person—a belief so unrealistic it borders on
the ludicrous.

I believe most people, if they were completely honest, would love to
be in a committed relationship but have other sexually stimulating
experiences, too. So where do we realistically draw the line between
monogamy and non-monogamy. Each one of us might draw it
differently. Where is it for you?

Exactly what constitutes non-monogamy?

If you’re in a committed relationship, are you being non-monogamous
if you:

• Flirt with other men/women?

• Share a passionate kiss with another man/woman?

• Masturbate without your mate?

• Watch pornography without your mate?

• Get a lap dance from a stripper?

• Get a secret blow-job?

• Or, is it just having sexual intercourse with someone other than your mate?

Please vote. Tell me your definition of non-monogamy.

The Monogamy Lie

When a man couples with a woman, he semi-consciously adopts a “don’t ask, don’t tell” arrangement regarding his true sexuality. If he’s like most men, he tells her very little about his sexuality. What he does tell her fits perfectly with what she tells him is acceptable to her. His silence about his sexuality conveys an implicit agreement that her restrictions on his sexuality are acceptable. He avoids expressing the unvarnished truth about his sexuality because it is risky and it might plunge him into a volatile and vulnerable position, a position he has spent a significant chunk of his life avoiding. But because he does not stand up and tell the truth about how he actually experiences his sexuality, the culture, the prevailing mindset, and his wife define how he should behave sexually.

So what does a man in this situation do? He lies. He lies a lot. He lies when he doesn’t even have to. When a man is forced to lie about something as fundamental as his sexuality, it gives him license to lie about anything else. As part of this sexual charade, he lies the lie men have been telling for hundreds of years: The Monogamy Lie. The lie that men are monogamous and have no problem keeping the 7th Commandment: Thou shall have only one vagina for the rest of thy life. But, when a man is forced to hide his sexual truth, he eventually gets caught doing something that is not sanctioned by his mate and he quickly becomes one of the millions of men who find themselves flailing around trying to defend their actions. Unfortunately at this time, there is nothing in the environment for men to latch onto. Nothing that can help lift them back up onto their feet because their gender has failed them. The male gender has never done anything to declare the naturalness and legitimacy of male sexuality. So men are left out there on their own without a leg to stand on or a scintilla of science, biology, or anthropology to support them. There is no one to protect them from the onslaught of shit that will be hurled their way. No one who will try to defend them. No one who will tell the truth about male sexuality. Instead of uniting around our sexuality and defending one another, our gender brothers publicly condemn each another while feeling secretly grateful that they themselves weren’t caught in the act.

This scenario does not happen by accident. It happens systematically as men from every stature and station in life bow their heads in shame as they mindlessly accept our culture’s condemnation of what has been scientifically shown to be normal human male sexual behavior. Our counterparts, women, would never allow themselves to treated so harshly. They stood up for themselves in the 1970’s and have been standing up for themselves ever since. When will men dare to emulate women and stand up for themselves, too?

The fact is human beings are not monogamous. In “The Myth of Monogamy” David Barash Ph.D. and Judith Lipton M.D. a husband and wife research team concluded after their exhaustive study that “there is simply no question whether sexual desire for multiple partners is natural. It is. There is simply no question of monogamy being natural. It is not.” Margaret Mead a highly respected anthropologist wrote, “Monogamy is the hardest of all human marital arrangements. It is also one of the rarest.” Yet our culture spreads the propaganda that any decent man should have no problem being 100% monogamous 100% of the time; and, if a man cannot uphold a vow of monogamy year after year, he is a cheater, philanderer, or womanizer. When are men going to come out of the closet and tell the truth about their sexuality? When are men coming to come clean and begin to be honest? Gay men are out of the closet. It’s time for heterosexual men to come out too.

Men Lie

Men lie. We lie a lot. We lie when we don't even have to. Why? Stay tuned.